When Helping Hurts: Parenting Your Anxious Child
"Why Helping Your Anxious Child Starts With You"
It’s Only Natural to Want to Protect
When your child is anxious, everything in you wants to jump in and help. Whether it’s skipping a stressful playdate or staying with them until they fall asleep — it comes from love. From protection. From instinct.
But here’s something that might surprise you: that kind of well-meaning help, over time, can actually make anxiety worse.
It’s not that you’re doing anything “wrong” — quite the opposite. You’re trying to ease your child’s suffering. But sometimes, the most helpful thing is allowing them to sit with the fear… and letting yourself sit with the discomfort of not fixing it right away.
What “Helping” Often Looks Like — And Why It Backfires
There’s a name for this pattern: accommodation. It’s when parents change routines or responses to help a child avoid anxiety triggers. It might look like:
Letting them skip a birthday party because they’re nervous
Speaking up for them so they don’t have to
Giving constant reassurance (“It’ll be fine, I promise!”)
Avoiding topics or places that trigger anxiety
While these things bring short-term relief, they can quietly teach your child: “You can’t handle this.”
Anxiety is sneaky like that — it feeds off avoidance. And the more it’s avoided, the bigger it feels next time.
Some Fears Don’t Look Like Fears
Sometimes we miss anxiety in our kids because it doesn’t always look like the “big” fears.
Anxiety might sound like:
“What if my friend gets mad if I say no?”
“They’re all going to laugh at me.”
“I can’t go unless you come with me.”
And you might think: That’s just normal kid stuff. And yes — to a degree, it is. But when these worries start running the show, and when they’re always accommodated, they can grow into long-standing patterns of anxiety.
Why Change Starts With You
The good news? Parents have incredible power to shift this — without even needing their child to be “on board” at first.
New approaches like the SPACE program (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) are showing that when parents gently stop accommodating and start responding in new ways, children’s anxiety begins to ease. No lectures. No pushing. Just calm, consistent shifts.
You become your child’s anchor — not by removing the storm, but by helping them find steadiness in the middle of it.
What That Might Look Like
Here’s how you might shift from accommodation to support:
Instead of…Try this…Reassuring over and over“I know you’re feeling nervous. I believe you can handle it.”Avoiding anxiety triggers“This might feel hard, and I’ll be here for you as you do it.”Stepping in to fix things“Let’s make a plan for you to try this on your own first.”Giving in to outbursts“I see you’re upset, and I still believe in your ability to face this.”
This isn’t easy. When you stop accommodating, there may be tears, outbursts, or protests. That’s part of the process. You’re not being harsh — you’re being steady.
It’s Okay for It to Be Hard
This work takes courage — not just from your child, but from you. Sitting with your own discomfort as your child feels theirs is no small thing. It goes against every protective instinct.
But the payoff? A child who learns that they can handle things. Who starts to face fears instead of avoiding them. Who slowly builds confidence, one hard step at a time.
And you? You start to feel less stuck. Less reactive. More empowered.
You’re Not Alone
If your child is struggling with anxiety, you’re not failing — you’re showing up. And learning new ways to support them doesn’t mean you’ve done it wrong before. It just means there’s another path forward.
Sometimes, the most powerful thing a parent can do is to hold the space — to let your child feel the fear, while you offer calm, loving support from just outside the frame.
You’ve got this. And if you’d like help navigating that change, Reach out to us and we can help!
A good resource:
https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/supportive-parenting-can-reduce-childs-anxiety
